I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
