how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
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