before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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