Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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