yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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