so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize
