i wish my penis had a tongue
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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