she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
