I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
