I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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