Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Randomize