So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Randomize
