Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
