I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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