I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
