he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
