the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
