She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
