mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
