My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
