Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
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We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
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I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
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