At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
The best revenge is premature balding
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
The adults are the big ones right?
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
