I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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