he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Randomize
