Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Randomize
