She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
