1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
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