Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
