can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
