You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
