I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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