He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
