I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
