happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize
