i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Randomize
