Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
