My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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