I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
