I'm lost and stupid without you.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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