Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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