I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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