1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
