I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
