He uses pillows to masturbate.
My balls are so social today.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize
