You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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