I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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