If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
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