I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
