he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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