He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
