I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
