He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Randomize
