Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
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