Is it because I queefed?
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
