So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
