Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
