yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
