Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
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