As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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