I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
